Friday, March 26, 2010

Today is hard

Today is hard. Maybe because it is 7:15 am, and today has already been underway for me for about 4 hours. Eric was up at 3 am to get to work in Dyersburg (an hour away) by 5. Josiah seems to have a routine of coughing at 4 am for the last couple weeks. And by 5 am, do I really go back to bed just to get up an hour later?

Besides, my heart aches this is so hard to watch Josiah cough. So hard to watch him struggle to get that sticky mucus out of his lungs, coughing until he just throws up. Once he finally calmed down and went back to sleep, I got online to try to research CF information. I found some blogs that I know I need to read, but how do you face something like this and not become moved by it? Moved as in "none of these things move me, nor do I count my life dear to myself , so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of God." Acts 20:24

How do you read about the lists of medications, treatments, hospital stays, deaths, husbands, wives, children, lung transplants, diets, doctors, and on and on and not be moved?

I really do know the answer. Really, I do.

But there is a difference between knowing the right answer and KNOWING it. There is a knowing based on theory, and a knowing based on experience. I think this is just a grieving time. And I can't imagine knowing based on experience without grieving.

So today is hard. And I can't imagine it without Jesus to hold my hand...